The epidural

It really did feel like a bowling ball coming out of my ass.

So I caved and got an epidural when I really wanted to go the all natural route. I was in pain, but I could have handled it just fine for at least a couple more hours.

However, when I asked the nurse how much longer it could take, she said up to 8 hours before it was time to push. She also let me know that the anesthesiologist would be unavailable in an hour and half.

I really appreciate the UCLA hospital staff because they gave me information but didn’t force interventions or medication on me. My nurse said she thought I was handling labor great and that she thought I could do it without the epidural if that’s what I wanted.

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Well, in all fairness she thought this because I am the more “suffer in silence type” as Bella claims in Twilight. But it was 6 AM, I had been awake for over 24 hours with only 5 hours of interrupted sleep before that, and Tommy was too busy sleeping in the corner most of the time.

Frankly, I just wanted to sleep like the rest of the world seemed to be doing, so I got the epidural. I wasn’t worried that it would affect the baby, I was more worried about the anesthesiologist messing up and paralyzing me or something. Well he was a pro and the process was a lot less scary than I had expected.

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Once the medicine hit I felt so good! I’ve never done drugs in my life, but I could kind of understand why people would do such a thing. I maybe slept for a half hour total. I didn’t want to fall asleep and not wake up. But being able to rest helped me to save my energy for the pushing stage.

After a while, my labor stopped progressing, maybe because of the epidural…I don’t know. So they gave me pitocin. Man when that kicked in I pushed my button to get more of the epidural medication and maxed it out so quickly that the button stopped beeping. Someone had to come in and give me an epic shot of pain medication. I felt really good again after that. So good that my entire butt was numb.

Unfortunately, since my butt was numb, they switched off my epidural when it was time to push. It took me three hours to push our baby out. I was not happy.

The nurses said I should feel “pressure but not pain.” No pain my ass. Midway through I really wanted to give up. My back was killing me so I tried kneeling and getting into other positions. They didn’t help and I was tired so if anything I became even more miserable.

I wanted the baby vacuumed out at this point, but the OB said I was doing great and that they only want to intervene if there is a health problem. I was mad, but thankful. By the time the baby’s head was close to crowning, I was determined to push him out so that I could, in my mind, go to the bathroom and deliver the largest poop of my life.

It turns out the baby was the poop. I was amazed that I didn’t feel the pain in my vagina but in my butt. Man I felt great, though it was short lived. Within the hour they removed the tape that held the epidural catheter to my back. I have a nice layer of fur all over so I’m pretty sure I got a back wax that day.

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